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Elvis and the Memphis Mambo Murders


Elvis’ Opinion #1 on Graceland, Road Trips and Uncontrollable Geriatrics

I hate to leave my best friend behind (Jarvetis’ redbone hound Trey) not to mention Ann Margret and my new progeny (more on that subject later), but it’s not every day I get a chance to return to Graceland. If I could get word up to Memphis I’m coming back home, they’d roll out the red carpet, probably get in the kitchen and rustle up my favorite peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But Callie (that’s my human mom) says basset hounds don’t use telephones. I’d argue with her (after all, I’m a dog of superior intelligence not to mention savoir faire), but these days she’s having a hard time sorting out her feelings.

Personally, I know she’s still in love with my human daddy Jack Jones (her almost-ex), but Champ is building a good case for himself as Jack’s replacement, and Callie’s confused. I’m doing what I can for Jack.

Don’t get me wrong. Champ’s a good guy and would be one of the best vets in the country if it weren’t for that ridiculous, uppity Siamese cat he keeps on the premises. There’s no way I’m letting that cat horn in on my territory.

Usually, Jack’s around to protect our turf, but the last time Champ called, Jack was in Africa doing things I’d have to kill you over if I told you. Much as I hated to disappoint my human mom, I peed on every one of here shoes. She had to cancel the date.

It took a while to clean them off and dry them out, but she didn’t even scold me. That’s Callie. An ”Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground” to borrow from fellow singer, Willie Nelson. She tries to take care of everybody, which is the reason we’re headed to Memphis in the first place.

Ruby Nell (Callie’s mama) and her best friend, Fayrene, entered a regional dance competition, and Callie’s going along to make sure nothing bad happens.

You might think you wouldn’t have to worry about women in their senior years, but you’d be mistaken. Excitement follows Ruby Nell Valentine the way it did me when I was wearing black leather, crooning gold and making girls swoon.